I attended
a mediation-related workshop last week. The topic was 'Developmental Psychology for Mediators'.
This is the field that focuses on our physical, cognitive, and socio-emotional development from early childhood,
through the teenage years and into early and middle adulthood. We all go
through the same steps as our brains physically and psychologically develop. We
ideally progress from being impulsive, irrational, and egocentric children with
an inability to verbalise and regulate emotions, to a well-rounded adult that
is able to solve problems, have empathy, regulate and articulate emotions, and
experience independent thought.
In my new career journey as a mediator, my clients open the door – and their hearts – to me,
allowing me to listen to and understand their situation so that I can guide
them to a way forward; a path that will give them resolution and, I always
hope, peace.
What I
observe is unnecessary hurting. Ex-partners take opportunities to wound the
other, to make a stand to defend their position, and the add fuel that continues the conflict.
Why do
adults that have been through a mostly-complete psychological development not
exhibit the traits of reasoning, understanding, emotional regulation and
maturity that they should have in adulthood when they find themselves in a
conflict situation?
The
relationship has broken down for various reasons from violence and trauma, to
betrayal, incompatibility, growth and stagnation.
In the
dissolving of their relationship, people go through grief, uncertainty, fear,
anxiety, anger and resentment. This changes how they behave.
Each party
will have a belief about the injustice dealt to them, and a desire for ‘justice’ to be served. The ongoing
conflict is about continuing to try to balance the scales, however misplaced
and futile their attempts.
We are left
then with conflict and poor communication, and parties perpetually living in the
past. Even if one partner is able to let go, the other will drag
them into the downward spiraling vortex again and again.
On the
webinar, we were reminded of the Circles of Control. This cognitive tool is adapted to all kinds of areas from dealing with family over the holidays, bullies at school, and the work environment. The principle is that there is an inner circle of
aspects in life that are within your control, and an outer circle of factors that are
outside of your control.*
In terms of family disputes, your own behaviour and how you respond to others is under your control. You can also, in
the parenting situation, control your behaviour to your children, especially as
a non-primary caregiver where elements of parental alienation may be in play. You can continue to reach out, be present, be supportive and be available, regardless of the response received.
What you
cannot control is the other person. You cannot control what they say or do. You
can only control how you react to them. You cannot control the financial and lifestyle
changes as a result of divorce, but you can adapt, make the best of the
situation, and move forward.
You cannot
prevent feeling emotions like hate, anger, frustration, and contempt, but you
can regulate and process these emotions to behave with neutrality towards the
other party instead of retaliating.
In speaking
to a client, I reminded them of the Circles of Control in their high-conflict
situation. They had mentioned a few weeks back about trying to be kinder to the
other party. Circles of Control has empowered them to stay this course regardless
of what the other party may fling their way.
Circles of
Control is going to be my ‘theme tune. I will use it at the start of
every mediation interaction with new clients. As obvious as this concept seems,
it is clearly forgotten in the heat of dispute. Applied to divorce, Circles of
Control is a powerful reminder and tool for every person.
* If want another layer, the Circle of Influence lies between aspects within and outside of your control. These are elements that you indirectly have the power to influence or change.
As always, I think of topics to write about almost daily, but then I struggle to get around to writing here. There always seems to be something more important to do. It is with thanks to my friend Staci and that I joined her 45-minute writing session this morning on Zoom that I got this post down. It has been swirling around in my mind for days. Thank you Staci x
Another Circles of Control diagram - for general life.
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| Found through Google Images |
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