I return to my table as the conversation is ending and it picks up again with other people. After a few minutes the one guy says, "You really need a boyfriend". I'll comment on this in a moment...
A bit later, I'm walking past the table where the above mentioned lady was sitting and I stopped to say hi to some of the other people. The silkworm thing comes up again and another mindless guy comments, "You need to get a life".
First of all, taking an interest in something other than oneself - even if this something is a box of silkworms - does not constitute the need to either get a boyfriend or to get a life and both comments are insulting.
Silkworms are interesting, amusing and transient pets. They're a lovely diversion from non-stop work, emails and organising. Although my original plan was to keep 10 for me and 10 for the little girl who visits me daily, I kept all of them - my little friend has never had silkworms and she was not keen on them at first. She subsequently went with me to pick leaves, she got bold enough to touch them and she has monitored their spinning progress. We've also looked on the web to learn about their lifecycle and she now knows what a pupa is. This week we'll spin some thread on to her school pencils and our first moths should appear in another week. I've been fascinated too and I plan to have more silkworms next year.
Society has not progressed much in the last 60 years because people evidently still have issues with a smart, intelligent, multi-talented and sporty woman in her 30's who is not tied into a long-term relationship or a marriage with 1.7 children? Growing up, my ambition was a Nobel prize and to revolutionise the world, not to have a family. Now, I don't care for the Nobel prize but I do hope to change the lives of many people for the better; and I still don't want a family. [I can recommend the 70's classic, The Women's Room by Marilyn French]
As for getting a life... this has to be one of the most ignorant comments directed my way in some time. It's also a bland and empty cliche. What is 'a life'? I breathe, eat and sleep; thus, I have a life. So does lichen and fungi.
I've mulled over this posting for a few days and I've written it because these guy just happened to articulate what others think; perhaps of me and certainly of people around them.
I take interest in many things - books, people, activities, flowers, spotting satellites, little creatures, cooking - and I enjoy sharing things that delight me with other people. Both of those comments were totally inappropriate.
Since I have no issues with my marital status nor my [too] full and active life (I'm rather proud of both), I'd guess that the issues are theirs.
6 comments:
The Frog and the Engineer
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now, that's cool!"
This is a really thoughtful reply received from a reader of this blog:
"I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘purpose’ lately and discovered that I too have succumbed to the notion that ‘success’ means a shiny new 4X4, a double garage in a green suburb, 2 perfectly mannered kids, perfect make-up, perfect fitness, perfect manners at all times and designer clothing, furniture, décor, and and and.
In this picture of success there is no room for illness, no space for doubt, failure is not an option, your spouse must be perfect at all times too, the dogs must be suitably socialized, you must spend all your free time at fabulous social events or doing extraordinary things, you must get other people to fix your leaking roof (not fall off the roof trying to do it yourself) and there must be a perfectly timed ‘children plan’. Since none of these things have even the remotest chance of being a reality in my life, according to the ‘success theory’ I probably don’t have a life either. And then I happen to be one of ‘those’ people who think it’s perfectly sensible to stop next to the road to look at the wind blowing through the tall grass!
But, I love my husband, I adore the dogs, our small-but-special house is my home, I love cooking once in a while, I think that my work makes a difference, I get to see different places and meet many weird and wonderful people, I indulge in chocolate when I can, I find peace and inspiration engaging with God and sometimes my husband and I choose to eat pizza in bed. My life is not exciting, no one will want to make a documentary about it, but it’s my life and I won’t give it away for anything!
We may never have kids and sometimes that makes me very sad. I’ve had to think about my life without children and discovered that at least some part of my desire to have them comes from the society perception that a woman without children is not ‘as good’ as someone who is a mother. Even in my own family there is the unspoken devide between the mothers and the other women – the mothers tend to be more superior and have more authority. I don’t have children but I have achieved more than most of them, so it doesn’t really make much sense! On the other hand, there’s a deep longing to have that little soul in your home that is the product of both partners. There’s a longing to share your love with a child.
So I’m having to redefine my own sense of life purpose. If it is not to be a mother, then the rest of my life needs to have meaning for its’ own sake. And purpose doesn’t come tailor-made. You find it for yourself."
Alas, I cannot think of a comment that would not be harsh regarding the two people made those observations about your "life." And I won't take the time to think of a kind way to dismiss those characters. They're not worth my time, or yours. If they're unhappy, that's a shame. If they feel unfulfilled, that's a shame. But it's not YOUR problem! Look away. They're gone.
But--perhaps on an unrelated note, I do have a question about your life. I've been reading your blog for a month or two, and clearly you are passionate about the environment, physical challenges, and the like. My question is: when did you decide to make this passion would be the center of your life--the theme of your ongoing activities? Did it start when you were young? Were you inspired by a relative or friend or mentor? What led you to your path?
If you have already told this story in your blog, I apologize for missing those posts...but I'll bet other readers would love to read about what made Lisa into Adventure Lisa.
Thanks!
Love the pic at the end of your post Lisa. Ha ha...
I also enjoyed the comment of the extract you posted.
I would like to share a thought that came up to me this morning, before reading your post. I was thinking of a friend who have also achieved allot in life. To typical standards he has made a big success of his life, achieved incredible things, traveled practically over the whole world, and also desires to make a lasting impact. However, this friend's drive and ambition excludes prioritizing a family.
It dawned on me that, that is exactly where one can make an 'everlasting' impact. One can write all you want, achieve all you want, impress all you can but soon, people will forget anyway. I don't think any influence and impact is so big as what a loving parent, with the desire of forming their child into a better person than themselves, has. This is making a lasting impact that not only touches the next generation, but possibly generations to come for many years.
I have seen people grow old, alone. If you ask them what they miss most it's not wanting to clinch one more business deal, achieve another great feat, read one more book, run another mile... it's simply family.
This is just a thought that came up this morning.
Heya Ken,
Thanks for your note - I'll reply over the weekend as I left my laptop charger at friend's office this afternoon - need to fetch in morning - laptop doesn't have much charge left!
Lisa
Heya Anon,
Good points - a number of them in your comment.
"This is making a lasting impact that not only touches the next generation, but possibly generations to come for many years."
I'd like to agree with you and ideally it should be so but I don't know that this is really the case because families are so far spread around. I even think of my grandparents - none have had an impact on my life because they always lived in different countries to me and I seldom saw them - except when they were not far from death's door and the marbles were scattering...
Sure, my mom would have picked up habits/behaviours/thoughts from her mom and as I'm similar - in some ways - to my mom, there would be some kind of generational 'link', but not an impact.
"I have seen people grow old, alone. If you ask them what they miss most [...] it's simply family."
I'm with you on this. There was a good discussion on the radio last week, I think, and some really sad and emotional calls from parents who have been 'left behind' as their children (and grandchildren) have immigrated to other countries. Their children have their own lives and they're set to stay abroad so the folks only see their adult children once a year or even less often, depending on financial means. To me this is very sad - to have children and to have family but not to be with them. These parents have children, but they've ended up old and alone anyway.
I agree with your comments but the reality of our lives makes 'family' seem idealistic.
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