A place to put my epiphanies
[e·piph·a·ny - n. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.]
Sunday, 4 May 2025
49 Days of Running
Friday, 2 May 2025
W. Cape Orienteering Festival Day 2
Thursday, 1 May 2025
W. Cape Orienteering Festival Day 1
Monday, 28 April 2025
Making the best of the last of summer - Van Daalen Peak
With a 33 deg day forecast, my friend Talita suggested an early morning hike up to Van Daalen Peak, one of a few that look over my home town of George. I did this hike around this time last year, so I was due a return. We had a nice group for what was a spectacular morning.
We did the hike anti-clockwise, which I think is the better option as the track connecting Van Daalen to Tonnlbos, which we descend, is very steep in places (clambering vertically on all fours is required) and can be very muddy in places, as it was today after rains last week. The benefit too of anti-clockwise is that you have the sun behind you on the descent instead of in your face.
I took Rosy along and we had a magnificent morning out.
We set off at 06h00 and watched sunrise on our way up. We hung out for a while at the top, chilling and snacking before heading down. I haven't been through Tonnelbos for a while and it is looking as magical as ever.
We've had a beautiful weekend. A cold front is incoming and rain is forecast from Wednesday.
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Sunrise looking towards Wilderness. Photo from Otto |
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Me, sitting on a rock. Otto and Talita in the background. |
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Rosy enjoying a splash in a rock puddle. |
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With Talita, Otto, Zelda and Johann. Etienne and Jolene not pictured (they were still on the way). |
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Talita, me and Zelda with our floral AR Gaiters. |
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I have no idea (yet) what this flower is. This is the first time that I've seen it. I only saw them in one place on the descent. Really pretty. |
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Coming to the end of the Giant Proteas, but still a good number around. They are magnificent! |
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Miss Rosy is such a good hiking girl xxx |
Monday, 21 April 2025
Lettuce's run-mtb-run nav event
I had the pleasure of doing a run-mtb-run navigation event yesterday morning, hosted by James 'Lettuce' Stewart at his Royston Farm just past Plettenberg Bay. Two friends, Talita and Otto joined me there, and it was a treat to see other friends like Debbie, Jeannette, Christine and John.
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I'm so glad that Otto and Talita are enjoying navigation activities. |
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A pre-start photo with Debbie. 15 years ago, in the early 2010s, we did a number of the Kinetic Sprint races together. |
We started with a 1km orienteering activity - a quick loop around the start area to find a number of checkpoints. We then got ready to bike, copying checkpoint locations from a master map on to the Google Earth images provided.
CPs 1, 2, 3 and 4
I decided to hit CPs 1, 2, 4 and 3 first. Otto and Talita made the same decision and we were together through 1 and 2, splitting before 4. I initially thought I'd get #3 first, because it looked like an out-and-back ride from what I could see on the map. Ideally I would have wanted to connect #3 and #7...
They split off first to go to #4; I split a bit later, deciding to get #4 first in case I could take another route from #3... I wouldn't see Otto and Talita until much later.
All was good. Laving #3, I did look for something to the right - like where I've drawn in the yellow dots. I didn't see anything that looked like a trail so I continued on the good dirt road all the way around.
CPs 9, 8, 7, 6...
Heading east from #2 and looking ahead at route options, I could see what looked like a trail parallel to the highway. Before getting there, I spotted a trail going into the blue gums off the dirt road, so I took it. It worked out well and popped me out on the dirt track. I then took the trail parallel to the highway.
#9 was easy, just off the road.
Going to #8, I planned to take what looked on the map like a track between forest blocks. This is an old map and according to current growth, it doesn't look like this. I saw Jeannette and her teammate here - they had turned around and she said there was no road down the bottom. I checked and turned around too. I did see a ride* in the forest but not knowing quite where it was, I didn't want to chance taking it.
* A ride is a gap in the forest - probably used when planting and later when felling. It is like a row of missing trees. Good for travel.
I rode around instead and as it turned out, the CP was on what was probably the same ride, so my possible route from the other side would have worked out.
#7 was straightforward.
Then on to #6, which was labeled as a tree on single track. I got the CP and then decided to stay on the single track to see where it went. I knew it would hit the dirt road that I could see at some point. It hit the dirt road before the dog leg - all good, I knew exactly where I was.
This is where the fun starts
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The actual map is printed a bit darker. I've bumped the brightness up to see more in these images. |
Riding on the open forest road from 6, I spotted a trail off to my left (north), which gave me two route options.
The first was to ride back the way I'd come (green arrows), past #9, on the trail parallel to the highway and then to CPs #10 and #5. This was safe and quick.
I looked at the control description for #5 and it said 'Sneaky path'. To me, this suggested that James was indicating a trail that connected the ridge that #5 was on with the ridge which #6 was on (yellow dotted line is what I hoped for). As I could see a clear trail going down, I figured it would be worth a try.
The trail snaked down and at the bottom - next to a stream, I could go left and right. I chose to go left, which was a clearer, more used and worn trail. Should have gone right. haha haha
The trail was spectacular riding with dozens of bridges to facilitate the trail criss-crossing the stream. I loved the mosses on the trees and logs and rocks, gentle rocky stream, meandering trail, sufficiently wide bridges and interesting rocky cliffs. After about 1km, I did think it would be worth turning back to try the right-hand option, but as the trail was really fabulous, clearly new and that James had mentioned a new trail, I figured it had to turn up at some stage to get out of the valley to return to Royston Farms.
I kept riding and knew I was far down but the trail was awesome. Eventually it started to climb out.
The pink trail that I've drawn in is my estimate of where I was. I do have a Strava track that I'll capture once I finished writing this. A 'game' that I enjoy post event is to draw in where I think I was...
Thinking that my friends Talita and Otto were probably long at the finish, I sent a whatsapp to Talita to say that I was fine and that I'd taken a trail in the valley but that I was climbing up now.
She replied to say that she thought they had done the same.
Not 100m later, I found them ahead of me!
Back on the ridge, we cycled to #5 then #10 and to the finish-transition.
I told James that I'd ridden the 'Trail of 100 bridges'. He looked at me quizzically for moment and then laughed, saying I'd now be hiking it from the other direction. Haha haha.
Joined by Otto and Talita, we set off, running and hiking the route we'd done in reverse, this time continuing on the right-hand trail.
Another funny trail
We got the 3rd and final hiking checkpoint #3 and turned around to get back on the trail. I expected a forest boundary and I'd seen a track where I have the dotted yellow line when we'd ridden from #5 to #10. I expected the trail we were on to merge or intersect. I either missed it or it wasn't there and so we followed a very good footpath that meandered. We cut through the forest, hitting the road in front of the finish.
Our final activity was walking across a swinging balance beam, and then to the finish.
James cooked us egg-and-bacon breakfast buns - I just had two expertly fried eggs, and we got a slab of chocolate each - it was Easter Sunday after all.
This is my actual Strava track.
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33km logged |
The new trail through the valley is an MTO trail - they are doing the trail building. It is superb - I'm really glad that I did ride - and hike - it.
This was a really super morning out - good fun and wonderful exploration.
Wednesday, 9 April 2025
Today would have been my uncle Ged's 68th birthday
Today would have been my uncle Ged's 68th birthday. Three weeks ago he took his own life.
Gerard, Ged to us and Gerry to his Australian friends, was my dad's youngest brother, born on 9 April 1957 in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). He was the only one of the five siblings to be born in Rhodesia. The others were all born in the Seychelles. My grandfather was a land surveyor. He would have moved his family to Rhodesia for work opportunities and once there they moved around a lot.
Although Ged was my uncle, a close family connection, we were not close; we've always lived in different countries. I can recall Ged and his first wife Daniella living in Zimbabwe when I was a child. I vaguely remember seeing them there. By the time I was in late primary school or just into high school, Ged and his wife had immigrated to Australia.
I saw Ged infrequently when he visited South Africa and fondly remember some international phone calls throughout my youth; international calls were a special thing indeed in those days. Our family on my dad's side, was small and spread around the world but despite infrequent contact, there was always that familial bond. A blood-is-thicker-than-water kinship.
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Ged in the Seychelles in December 2024 with cousin Fred. |
To me, Ged was the 'young' uncle that was full of bounce and laughter. While he worked in the agricultural industry (fertilisers and soil additives), his passion was for fishing - a sport that he actively pursued living on the north-east Queensland coast. Every long-distance call or, later, email with news, featured fishing, especially out at sea. And, like his brothers, Ged was a keen birder.
Ged retired in early 2021 and later that year decided to immigrate to from Australia to South Africa. Divorced from his second wife Juanita, with whom he stayed in contact, Ged chose to move here to be closer to his siblings: his brother (my dad) and his sister in Jo'burg, and their other brother who lives only a five-hour flight away in the Seychelles.
Ged arrived here in February 2022 and he settled in Jo'burg. As luck would have it, an opportunity presented and my aunt and her partner moved to the Eastern Cape later that year. I hoped Ged would follow. The Garden Route and into the Eastern Cape suited his interests of fishing and birding. Even after Ged and my dad visited over new year, he was not yet convinced to make another move. His life in Jo'burg continued.
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Me, my mom, my dad and Ged. This was a lovely visit. My dad and Ged did a good road trip together, stopping to stay with us for a few days. My dad isn't big on smiling for photos... 1 January 2023 |
Through last year, Ged and I had a lot more contact dealing with issues related to my dad. Our interactions were not always smooth and our differences mostly stemmed around him telling me that my dad was ok (which he wasn't) and to back off, which I would not, could not do. It was stressful for both of us and while we did not always agree, I appreciated that Ged was up that side to give support to my dad.
At the end of November, Ged headed off to the Seychelles to spend a couple of weeks there with his brother. By early to mid-December he had decided to move to the Seychelles. I celebrated this plan - I could see him having an incredible retirement living close to his brother and spending his days fishing, a far cry from his last three years landlocked in Jo'burg (and still resisting my pleas and that of his sister to consider a move to our regions for the same benefits).
He spoke of a work opportunity within the agricultural sector in government. While this did not pan out, it may have been a 'trigger'.
Young Ged |
By early January his plan was to visit the Seychelles again in March '25, head to Australia to tie up some affairs there, wrap up life in Jo'burg and be able to settle in the Seychelles by August 2025. He had bought a vehicle while in Sey - a buggy that "goes like the clappers" which he described as "my fun car for when the weather is nice" (whatsapp on 10 Jan) and put down a deposit on a '"work car".
He was also very excited about securing an agency for a fertiliser product and recruiting former colleagues into a consulting business. Part of exploring this business this involved travels to Durban in mid January and then on to Zambia and Zimbabwe. We had regular comms until 11 February, while he was still in Zambia. From here he went to Zimbabwe. He had only expected to be back home in South Africa in late March.
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Ged was friendly, chatty, social, fun and outgoing. He had long, long friendships, was well regarded by colleagues, and he enjoyed being with people. He also enjoyed games, especially backgammon. |
On the afternoon of 16 March 2025, my mom and I received a call just after 14h30 from my uncle in the Seychelles to say that he had received an email from Ged. The email was very clear about Ged's intention to take his life and he gave details of his executor (his ex-wife). Ged said that he had messed up his life.
I started phoning.
I made contact with a good friend of Ged and his sister, Jan, to get Ged's address. As luck would have it, she was in the area visiting her daughter. She immediately went to Ged's place. Ged lived in a cottage on a property and with the landlady not home, she was unable to access the property. The neighbours on either side were not home so she couldn't get over a wall from that side. A patrolling security company was unable to assist. She didn't have the landlady's number but after a bit more than an hour she had a number for the landlady's husband.
While that was going on there, I was on the phone, trying to make contact with the Benoni Police Station on every number I could find online. Nothing. I also tried the national emergency number multiple times over two hours. Nothing. I got hold of the patrolling security company, explained the situation and asked them to get their vehicle to look out for the returning landlady and to get her to call me. I also asked if they knew how I could contact the police station. The controller explained that it was near impossible and was a big problem; he said the same for the national emergency number too.
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Young Ged - fishing |
Once Jan had the number for the landlady's husband, I called him. They were together. I explained the situation, asked when they would be home and warned them. They were home about an hour later. Jan had stayed around to meet them at the house together with her friend who worked in the security/policing sector. She phoned shortly after 17h30 to confirm that they had found him.
Dead.
We all had no idea.
I needed to understand what happened and from various people I have pieced together a fairly clear picture.
"Forgive yourself the for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight" - Judy Belmont
My dad is bipolar and I've dealt with his mental illness, mania and psychotic episodes since I was a child, more so in the last 15 years. I would have sworn that I could spot the same in other but I missed it completely in Ged. Completely.
From what I have pieced together, it seems that Ged had a psychotic period from perhaps mid- or late December. Delusions, grand plans, making risky financial decisions with his investments (stock market), excessive spending, bad financial decisions, incidences of going "off with the faeries", not sleeping, not listening to advice or warnings, frenetic, hyperactive and then slumped with tiredness, great ideas and no tangible plans, smoking heavily, and emotional.
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December 2024 in the Seychelles Ged with brother Ray, niece Diane and cousin Fred. |
I spoke to my friend who is specialising in psychiatry about this 'sudden' onset.
She said that there would most likely have been an underlying medical condition - something like early dementia with subtle cognitive and executive function problems. Nothing overt.
In Bipolar II, one can be fully functional with periods of hypomania - less sleep, more effective, busy and productive. It does not affect functionality but depression is a big challenge. Difficult to treat, longer bouts and more serious.
Our family history was not in Ged's favour - and bipolar does have a high genetic link. Their other brother, born between my dad and my Seychelles uncle, committed suicide when I was a baby. From what my mom recalls, he struggled with depression. He must have been around 23 when he took his life.
Then, there is my dad with onset at 29 and life-long periods of OK, not ok and very not ok.
And now Ged.
People don't choose congenital defects, genetic disorders, cancer, and thousands of other ailments. Mental illness is no different.
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A visit to see his sister. My aunt's partner Jack, my aunt Marie-Jose and Ged |
My friend said that genetically the condition can be dormant and that it can be triggered only once you have experienced enough stress - in whatever form. When the river breaks its banks, that is the trigger. "And for some people, that is only later in life," she says. Late onset mania.
Since speaking to her, together with input from people close to Ged, I have assembled the following puzzle pieces from friends and family to build a clearer picture. These recollections of individual occurances now make more sense.
One thing is for sure - it is never one thing in isolation. Importance can only be attached to 'incidences' in hindsight and, like paint strokes, it takes assembling many of them to create the full picture.
That is why this was so easy to 'miss'.
In December 2019, he was unusually tearful and vulnerable, speaking about Rhodesian war experiences.
In 2021, after COVID lockdown, he had left work and moved to another town. He was quite unsettled and would often stay awake all night fiddling around with his shares. At times, he complained of feeling depressed and a lot of unimportant things seemed to worry him to an unreasonable extent - like the type of laundry detergent bought. He tried anti-depressant medication briefly but stopped taking it after two weeks.
He then decided to move to South Africa - this in itself is a big one. By this stage he'd spent at least 30 years in Australia. But, the reasons to be closer to his siblings and also financially - cost of living in retirement - were sound. COVID travel restrictions meant that he was stuck in Australia. He was upset about this and he irrationally ranted about suing the Australian government.
An older photo but in my mind, this is what Ged will always look like to me. It is how I picture him. |
He became quite litigious, querying available legal solutions to perceived wrongs against him.
In the last year, I picked up on episodes of aggression (verbal) from him - related to wrongs against my dad. While he wasn't incorrect, his reaction was excessive. Even a tiff that we had. Verbally abusive to me. I think it was around this time that he must have unfriended me on Facebook, which I only discovered on his passing. Back then I'd left him to cool off for a few weeks until I needed to reach out to him again and by then we just carried on interacting - water under the bridge.
Before leaving for the Seychelles, he broke up with his girlfriend Kim. They had been together for about a year. She says that she doesn't know why - it was his decision. And then she mentioned that she thought he was suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers.
I asked her more about this as my friend's best psychiatric diagnosis was 'A manic episode due to an underlying medical condition' with early dementia with subtle cognitive and executive function problems.
She said she first noticed forgetful symptoms only a short while before they split. They spoke about someone they know who is showing early signs of dementia and she told Ged that he was also forgetting things. She asked him to get a medical done. He broke up with her shortly after this.
Fishing in the Seychelles in December 2024. Looking at photos from around this time he was looking very much older, lined and gaunt. |
From about two days after he arrived in the Seychelles, Ged had very high blood pressure. His legs and feet were very swollen. He went to the hospital and they said it was stress.
Kim says that she noticed that he was more forgetful and aggressive in the Seychelles. And then the spending spree began. She tried to intervene but he told her to butt out.
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A lovely photo of Ged from at least a good couple of years ago. |
My working theory is that Bipolar II kicked in by 2021, possibly late 2019, but certainly by 2021 he had symptoms of hypomania.
Then, early dementia arrived - maybe only in this last year. My grandmother, Ged's mother, got hit with dementia.
With these underlying conditions present, there was then a trigger that got pulled just before or when Ged arrived in the Seychelles. From there, he went into a completely manic episode for the better part of the next two-and-a-half months. During this time he spent a lot of money, took financial risks with his investments and made a lot of bad decisions.
He then came back down to ground, saw the financial carnage, had awareness of his probable cognitive decline - initially raised by his girlfriend, and lastly he has had first-hand experience of bipolar from my dad and depression from his brother. What a perfect storm.
Ged found himself in a situation that he could not see any way out of; and no future, or at least not one with less problems than he already was facing.
On the outside, solutions seem easy: sell everything purchased, secure and stabilise investments, and recover with support from siblings. But this was about more than money.
There are so many signs here that if they'd come from my dad my warning lights would have been flashing. But then I know my dad well; I did not know Ged in the same way and while some of the things he said on the phone or whatsapp seemed a bit much, these did not raise alarm bells for me.
I am so sorry that I missed the signs.
I am so sorry that Ged did not reach out to any of us.
I am so sorry that we did not know.
But I do understand. Completely.
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Me and Ged. 1 January 2023 |
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Note: I have written this all down mostly for myself, but also for family, friends and former colleagues who want answers. Ged's death caught us all by surprise.
All too often, we don't know what happens in the lead up to someone taking their life, especially if you are not part of the 'inner circle'. Suicide is not talked about. For me, this is life and so I have recorded here what happened in my uncle's life. For me. For you.
Once you join the dots, it all makes sense. With understanding, there is peace.
Friday, 31 January 2025
My Rusty dog is getting older
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Feeling better. Visit to the Botanical Gardens on Tuesday afternoon.
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Miss Silly Face (her, not me) |
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Rosy and her ball. She is a silly monkey. Lots of attitude but actually a softie. |
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A common Rosy look - ball in mouth |
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My love dog, Cani. We still have reactivity issues with strangers. Some days good, other days not as good. Slow improvement. She is a super loving and sweet girl. She was concerned about her Rusty. |
Tuesday, 21 January 2025
Kloofing Kaaimans (the tame section)
A local hiking group coordinated a group outing to follow a section of the Kaaimans River.
When kloofing (aka canyoneering/canyoning), you follow a river course by hiking, scrambling over rocks, sliding down rocks, beating through vegetation, and swimming through pools of water as you make your way downstream. In technical sections, you may need ropes to rappel down cliffs or, if you have explored a pool and know that there are no submerged rocks, you can jump into deep pools.
On Saturday, we met at the Kaaimans Bridge on the Seven Passes Road to enter the river course. This is a non-technical section with no big drops. Risks are low. For the most part, you just need to watch your footing stepping from rock to rock, and be cautious stepping on rocks in the water as they can be slippery. Vegetation was not a problem.
I was there with a group of friends, in addition to people from the hiking group. We must have been about 35 people. The trip, which was in no way rushed, with stops, took us around 4 to 4.5hrs.
I did a more technical section higher upstream with Marthinus from Paradise Adventures (highly recommended) a bit more than a year ago. Marthinus is a superb guide with excellent rope skills and safety. There were three rappels and a number of low-height jumps. It was a brilliant experience.
This lower section is low-risk and it was absolutely spectacular in sections.
I will definitely do this again and it may turn into a must-do with any friends that come visit.
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Can you believe this place! |
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We were not the only people that have been through here. Loved this, balanced by someone for all to enjoy. |
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The couple of long pools with cliffs on both sides are spectacular. |
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The rocky cliffs on either side leave you marveling at the shapes and patterns of the rocks. |
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Such a pretty section. |
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In reality, the water looks cola brown and dark but my phone camera picked up this interesting green in a couple of photos. Pretty. |
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Kloofing in my old trail shoes with my AR Gaiters. Yes friends, even in water, AR Gaiters stop sand from getting into your socks and shoes. Try it. |
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Crossing rocks to get into another pool. |
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Zelda, Talita and pretty Watsonia. |
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Photo from Zelda of me striding away. My red backpack drybag was a win. |
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Photo with Otto and Talita. Magnificent morning with that blue sky and warm temps - in and out of the water. |
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Big group today. Really nice bunch of people. Start at the Kaaimans bridge. |
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A snap with Otto. Photo from Zelda. |
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Our group of friends today for the kloofing. Liz kindly dropped us at the start. |
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Zelda and I almost at the end. That's the N2 bridge in the background. |