50 Days of Running

 It is that time of year - again!

Last year, for the first time in 15 years, I completely bombed out of my annual birthday challenge. I started off well for the first three days with the Western Cape Orienteering Champs, which was fabulous. On the last day, near the end of the course, I took a slide on a wet log in the forest, strained the inner-thigh muscles of my left leg and ended up quite sore for days plus with a twitchy muscle behind my knee playing up as a result of this. I've subsequently learned how to prevent and fix this, but a year ago I did not have a solution.

This was a horrible setback that knocked me more than I expected. I also wasn't really in a good space overall and did not have the mental capacity to try to pick-up the challenge again or even to modify and continue with it. I half planned to pick up the challenge later in the year... I just could not get myself together. I decided to just be kind to myself and let go. 

The months pass, the seasons change and life moves on. In what feels like no time at all, we are here again.

I'm in a far better place mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm running better, faster and stronger than I have for 10 years and I'm looking forward to the discipline of this annual pre-birthday game.

For this year, I'm sticking with 4km a day. I usually average more, but 4km is doable on those days that go crazy and where I would normally pass up getting out for getting something else done. 

This challenge is not about logging distance; the challenge is to show up every day to do something for myself.

Other activities like crossfit, yoga, mountain biking, dog walking and the like do not contribute to the 4km tally.

As you would have picked up from the title of this post, I will be turning 50 this year.

I know! I know! Where have the years gone!

For the first time, my challenge starts outside of May, in April. Another sign of the passing years as the start date has progressively moved earlier by one day since I started this 16 years ago.

Hip-hip hooray! Time to lace up my shoes for this 50-day adventure.

(About the above image: I asked my friend Chatty (ChatGPT) to create an image for me for '50 Days of Running' with Outeniqua Mountains terrain and birthday decorations like bunting flags and confetti for a festive vibe. I had not published this post and I did not ask Chatty to insert the text 'Cheers to 50 days of showing up for you'. Gotta love AI.)

Revenge anchors you in the past

 A lot of what I think about these days has to do with mediation, couples, families, hurt, hatred, resentment, anger and how hard it is to let go of wrongs of the past.

I’m watching ‘The Cleaner’ on Netflix (very good series). A comment from a character in the episode that I watched a few nights ago (S2E10) caught my attention. 

 “You are so stuck on revenge right now that you can’t see the big picture”. 

 This quote stood out for me because it is brutally honest. 

 revenge /rɪˈvɛn(d)ʒ/ Revenge is the act of inflicting harm, injury, or punishment in return for a perceived or actual wrong, injury, or insult. 

In divorce and post-divorce conflict, there is often so much hurt, humiliation, anger, rejection, loss of identity, and even fear about the future that exists. Revenge – through financial or emotional means – can feel like a way to restore balance or dignity, but it rarely delivers what it promises. 

 Underneath revenge there is often a need to be seen and validated. Unless this is addressed, conflict and ‘games’ will continue. 

The problem with acting in revenge is that it is a vicious circle that keeps you hooked into the conflict and focused on the past. Instead of closure, you stay stuck thinking about it and acting in vengeful ways. Also, holding onto revenge ties you to the very person that you want to be free of. Even an award of a million dollars would make no difference until the emotional account is settled. 

 In mediation this is a problem because no settlement offer will be sufficient because the goal is not resolution – it is emotional equilibrium. It is only when a person feels genuinely heard (even if nothing else changes), that a shift will take place and resolution will be possible, there is distance (time and space) from the original injury to soften its effect, and when the person regains a sense of control over their own life. 

 How does one let go of a desire for revenge or move on from this feeling and need? Well, it is not about forgiving the other party. Instead, it demands an honest look at what holding onto revenge costs. When you decide that it is costing you too much, that’s when change – and resolution – can happen. Costs can be mental, physical and emotional exhaustion, the development of a new relationship, a financial reality check, or simply a lack of time. 

As satisfying as 'getting even' may appear to be, how will this really change your life day-to-day, or how will your life in five years be significantly different to what it will be on your current path?

(In a divorce, there is due settlement. Revenge is over and above a fair separation of assets and maintenance awards.)

Only you can make yourself happy – whether through time, therapy, mediation, or life moving on.

 Discovering this sooner rather than later in a conflict situation will cause less collateral damage along the way and will give you what you most need – freedom. 

Street mediation

 On Wednesday evening, just before dark, I had my first opportunity to do a 'Street Mediation'.

I was nearly home from a walk with my Rosy-dog, when I heard shouting and screaming behind me. Turning, I noticed a man and a woman walking fast towards me. They were crossing the road, the man following the woman -  a short gap between them. It was the man who I had initially heard; screaming high-pitched at her in such a way that I could not make out a single word; and then her return, also unintelligible.

As they got closer, I noticed the woman looked in distress, tears running down her face. I stopped her to ask if she was OK and if I could help. She said she was not OK and that the guy had her bag and wouldn't return it. She was crying and could barely breathe.

I asked him to pass me the bag so that I could return it to her. He handed it over without hesitation. I gave it to her. She was still taking deep breaths.

Around this time he said that the woman was his wife. I told him that it didn't matter who she was; if she did not want him to follow her or to take her bag, then he should respect that.

I turned back to the woman, asking her where she was going.

"Home," she replied.

I asked whether it was the same place where he was heading. She said no.

As I turned back to him, the woman marched off, continuing home.

I suggested to him that on another day, when they were both in the emotional space to have a discussion, that they sit down to talk about whether their relationship is working. 

He then reiterated that she was his wife.

I responded that it didn't matter what their connection, she did not want him around and that she had been in a state of distress, trying to get away from him. 

He said he was trying to make sure she got home safe.

I asked him whether he could see the state of distress she was in, and I told him that she preferred to walk into the dark on her own to get home instead of having him with her; and that should tell him something. He appeared to think about this.

I suggested again that they both have a sit down on another day, perhaps with a trusted family member present.

He then almost flung up his arms saying, "You don't know anything".

I told him that I did.

"How?" he asked.

"Because I'm a mediator," I replied. "This is what I do."

He took a deep breath and almost seemed to relax.

He asked whether he was expected to just listen to her.

I said no, that they need to both speak and to both listen to each other. Just not today. She was in no position to have any conversation with him or anyone else so deep was her distress. I added that if she did not want to be with him, then he would need to respect that. They clearly have issues that they need to speak about... but on another day.

And that was that. An intervention that helped that situation right then, and that I hope will help him and her.

Rusty's 9th adoptversary

 9 years ago, on 24 March 2017, I got my first dog, Rusty. She was about 5.5 to 6 years old at the time and she needed a home. It holds true that I didn't rescue her, she rescued me.

With thanks to the persuasive powers of friend Sonja, to whom I am eternally grateful, Rusty came to me. From the moment we met, we had a connection and I count my blessings that we get to celebrate our 9th year together today.

At around 15 years old, Rusty is an old lady. She looks good, has super-soft, magnificent fur, and a lot of sass. She never turns down a meal and never says no to a treat. Eyesight and hearing are there but diminished, but there is nothing wrong with that nose. She still loves doing errands with me, and she loves going out on walks. These days, walks are short, somewhat slow, filled with sniffing, and she dictates the route. I let her wander where she would like to go. She has a bit of doggy dementia, seemingly confused for a moment - just like me when I walk into a room and forget what I went there for. I keep her on lead now on walks - she gets unsettled if I am out of her sight.

Rusty has always been a mom's girl, with little interest in other dogs or people. She is still like this and she always has an eye on me. She has become more bossy, herding me to bed when she has decided that I'm working too late at night for my own good (and she is correct).

Realistically, I know that my time with Rusts is limited. That we've made it this far, with her at around 15, is very special and fortunate.

My Rusty girl, happy adoptversary  

Pictures on top left and bottom right are from our first afternoon together when I brought her home.