Today would have been my uncle Ged's 68th birthday

Today would have been my uncle Ged's 68th birthday. Three weeks ago he took his own life.

Gerard, Ged to us and Gerry to his Australian friends, was my dad's youngest brother, born on 9 April 1957 in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). He was the only one of the five siblings to be born in Rhodesia. The others were all born in the Seychelles. My grandfather was a land surveyor. He would have moved his family to Rhodesia for work opportunities and once there they moved around a lot.

Although Ged was my uncle, a close family connection, we were not close; we've always lived in different countries. I can recall Ged and his first wife Daniella living in Zimbabwe when I was a child. I vaguely remember seeing them there. By the time I was in late primary school or just into high school, Ged and his wife had immigrated to Australia.

I saw Ged infrequently when he visited South Africa and fondly remember some international phone calls throughout my youth; international calls were a special thing indeed in those days. Our family on my dad's side, was small and spread around the world but despite infrequent contact, there was always that familial bond. A blood-is-thicker-than-water kinship.

Ged in the Seychelles in December 2024 with cousin Fred.

To me, Ged was the 'young' uncle that was full of bounce and laughter. While he worked in the agricultural industry (fertilisers and soil additives), his passion was for fishing - a sport that he actively pursued living on the north-east Queensland coast. Every long-distance call or, later, email with news, featured fishing, especially out at sea. And, like his brothers, Ged was a keen birder.

Ged retired in early 2021 and later that year decided to immigrate to from Australia to South Africa. Divorced from his second wife Juanita, with whom he stayed in contact, Ged chose to move here to be closer to his siblings: his brother (my dad) and his sister in Jo'burg, and their other brother who lives only a five-hour flight away in the Seychelles. 

Ged arrived here in February 2022 and he settled in Jo'burg. As luck would have it, an opportunity presented and my aunt and her partner moved to the Eastern Cape later that year. I hoped Ged would follow. The Garden Route and into the Eastern Cape suited his interests of fishing and birding. Even after Ged and my dad visited over new year, he was not yet convinced to make another move. His life in Jo'burg continued.

Me, my mom, my dad and Ged. This was a lovely visit. My dad and Ged did a good road trip together, stopping to stay with us for a few days. My dad isn't big on smiling for photos... 1 January 2023

Through last year, Ged and I had a lot more contact dealing with issues related to my dad. Our interactions were not always smooth and our differences mostly stemmed around him telling me that my dad was ok (which he wasn't) and to back off, which I would not, could not do. It was stressful for both of us and while we did not always agree, I appreciated that Ged was up that side to give support to my dad.

At the end of November, Ged headed off to the Seychelles to spend a couple of weeks there with his brother. By early to mid-December he had decided to move to the Seychelles. I celebrated this plan - I could see him having an incredible retirement living close to his brother and spending his days fishing, a far cry from his last three years landlocked in Jo'burg (and still resisting my pleas and that of his sister to consider a move to our regions for the same benefits).

He spoke of a work opportunity within the agricultural sector in government. While this did not pan out, it may have been a 'trigger'. 

Young Ged

By early January his plan was to visit the Seychelles again in March '25, head to Australia to tie up some affairs there, wrap up life in Jo'burg and be able to settle in the Seychelles by August 2025. He had bought a vehicle while in Sey - a buggy that "goes like the clappers" which he described as "my fun car for when the weather is nice" (whatsapp on 10 Jan) and put down a deposit on a '"work car".

He was also very excited about securing an agency for a fertiliser product and recruiting former colleagues into a consulting business. Part of exploring this business this involved travels to Durban in mid January and then on to Zambia and Zimbabwe. We had regular comms until 11 February, while he was still in Zambia. From here he went to Zimbabwe. He had only expected to be back home in South Africa in late March.

Ged was friendly, chatty, social, fun and outgoing. He had long, long friendships, was well regarded by colleagues, and he enjoyed being with people. He also enjoyed games, especially backgammon.

On the afternoon of 16 March 2025, my mom and I received a call just after 14h30 from my uncle in the Seychelles to say that he had received an email from Ged. The email was very clear about Ged's intention to take his life and he gave details of his executor (his ex-wife). Ged said that he had messed up his life. 

I started phoning.

I made contact with a good friend of Ged and his sister, Jan, to get Ged's address. As luck would have it, she was in the area visiting her daughter. She immediately went to Ged's place. Ged lived in a cottage on a property and with the landlady not home, she was unable to access the property. The neighbours on either side were not home so she couldn't get over a wall from that side. A patrolling security company was unable to assist. She didn't have the landlady's number but after a bit more than an hour she had a number for the landlady's husband.

While that was going on there, I was on the phone, trying to make contact with the Benoni Police Station on every number I could find online. Nothing. I also tried the national emergency number multiple times over two hours. Nothing. I got hold of the patrolling security company, explained the situation and asked them to get their vehicle to look out for the returning landlady and to get her to call me. I also asked if they knew how I could contact the police station. The controller explained that it was near impossible and was a big problem; he said the same for the national emergency number too.

Young Ged - fishing

Once Jan had the number for the landlady's husband, I called him. They were together. I explained the situation, asked when they would be home and warned them. They were home about an hour later. Jan had stayed around to meet them at the house together with her friend who worked in the security/policing sector. She phoned shortly after 17h30 to confirm that they had found him. 

Dead.

We all had no idea. 

I needed to understand what happened and from various people I have pieced together a fairly clear picture.

"Forgive yourself the for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight" - Judy Belmont

My dad is bipolar and I've dealt with his mental illness, mania and psychotic episodes since I was a child, more so in the last 15 years. I would have sworn that I could spot the same in other but I missed it completely in Ged. Completely.

From what I have pieced together, it seems that Ged had a psychotic period from perhaps mid- or late December. Delusions, grand plans, making risky financial decisions with his investments (stock market), excessive spending, bad financial decisions, incidences of going "off with the faeries", not sleeping, not listening to advice or warnings, frenetic, hyperactive and then slumped with tiredness, great ideas and no tangible plans, smoking heavily, and emotional.

December 2024 in the Seychelles
Ged with brother Ray, niece Diane and cousin Fred.

I spoke to my friend who is specialising in psychiatry about this 'sudden' onset.

She said that there would most likely have been an underlying medical condition - something like early dementia with subtle cognitive and executive function problems. Nothing overt. 

In Bipolar II, one can be fully functional with periods of hypomania - less sleep, more effective, busy and productive. It does not affect functionality but depression is a big challenge. Difficult to treat, longer bouts and more serious.

Our family history was not in Ged's favour - and bipolar does have a high genetic link. Their other brother, born between my dad and my Seychelles uncle, committed suicide when I was a baby. From what my mom recalls, he struggled with depression. He must have been around 23 when he took his life.

Then, there is my dad with onset at 29 and life-long periods of OK, not ok and very not ok.

And now Ged. 

People don't choose congenital defects, genetic disorders, cancer, and thousands of other ailments. Mental illness is no different.

A visit to see his sister.
My aunt's partner Jack, my aunt Marie-Jose and Ged

My friend said that genetically the condition can be dormant and that it can be triggered only once you have experienced enough stress - in whatever form. When the river breaks its banks, that is the trigger. "And for some people, that is only later in life," she says. Late onset mania.

Since speaking to her, together with input from people close to Ged, I have assembled the following puzzle pieces from friends and family to build a clearer picture. These recollections of individual occurances now make more sense.

One thing is for sure - it is never one thing in isolation. Importance can only be attached to 'incidences' in hindsight and, like paint strokes, it takes assembling many of them to create the full picture. 

That is why this was so easy to 'miss'.

In December 2019, he was unusually tearful and vulnerable, speaking about Rhodesian war experiences.

In 2021, after COVID lockdown, he had left work and moved to another town. He was quite unsettled and would often stay awake all night fiddling around with his shares. At times, he complained of feeling depressed and a lot of unimportant things seemed to worry him to an unreasonable extent - like the type of laundry detergent bought. He tried anti-depressant medication briefly but stopped taking it after two weeks.

He then decided to move to South Africa - this in itself is a big one. By this stage he'd spent at least 30 years in Australia. But, the reasons to be closer to his siblings and also financially - cost of living in retirement - were sound. COVID travel restrictions meant that he was stuck in Australia. He was upset about this and he irrationally ranted about suing the Australian government.

An older photo but in my mind, this is what Ged will always look like to me. It is how I picture him.

He became quite litigious, querying available legal solutions to perceived wrongs against him.

In the last year, I picked up on episodes of aggression (verbal) from him - related to wrongs against my dad. While he wasn't incorrect, his reaction was excessive. Even a tiff that we had. Verbally abusive to me. I think it was around this time that he must have unfriended me on Facebook, which I only discovered on his passing. Back then I'd left him to cool off for a few weeks until I needed to reach out to him again and by then we just carried on interacting - water under the bridge.

Before leaving for the Seychelles, he broke up with his girlfriend Kim. They had been together for about a year. She says that she doesn't know why - it was his decision. And then she mentioned that she thought he was suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers. 

I asked her more about this as my friend's best psychiatric diagnosis was 'A manic episode due to an underlying medical condition' with early dementia with subtle cognitive and executive function problems.

She said she first noticed forgetful symptoms only a short while before they split. They spoke about someone they know who is showing early signs of dementia and she told Ged that he was also forgetting things. She asked him to get a medical done. He broke up with her shortly after this.

Fishing in the Seychelles in December 2024. Looking at photos from around this time he was looking very much older, lined and gaunt.

From about two days after he arrived in the Seychelles, Ged had very high blood pressure. His legs and feet were very swollen. He went to the hospital and they said it was stress. 

Kim says that she noticed that he was more forgetful and aggressive in the Seychelles. And then the spending spree began. She tried to intervene but he told her to butt out. 

A lovely photo of Ged from at least a good couple of years ago.

My working theory is that Bipolar II kicked in by 2021, possibly late 2019, but certainly by 2021 he had symptoms of hypomania.

Then, early dementia arrived - maybe only in this last year. My grandmother, Ged's mother, got hit with dementia.

With these underlying conditions present, there was then a trigger that got pulled just before or when Ged arrived in the Seychelles. From there, he went into a completely manic episode for the better part of the next two-and-a-half months. During this time he spent a lot of money, took financial risks with his investments and made a lot of bad decisions.

He then came back down to ground, saw the financial carnage, had awareness of his probable cognitive decline - initially raised by his girlfriend, and lastly he has had first-hand experience of bipolar from my dad and depression from his brother. What a perfect storm. 

Ged found himself in a situation that he could not see any way out of; and no future, or at least not one with less problems than he already was facing.

On the outside, solutions seem easy: sell everything purchased, secure and stabilise investments, and recover with support from siblings. But this was about more than money.

There are so many signs here that if they'd come from my dad my warning lights would have been flashing. But then I know my dad well; I did not know Ged in the same way and while some of the things he said on the phone or whatsapp seemed a bit much, these did not raise alarm bells for me. 

I am so sorry that I missed the signs.

I am so sorry that Ged did not reach out to any of us.

I am so sorry that we did not know.

But I do understand. Completely.

Me and Ged. 1 January 2023

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Note: I have written this all down mostly for myself, but also for family, friends and former colleagues who want answers. Ged's death caught us all by surprise. 

All too often, we don't know what happens in the lead up to someone taking their life, especially if you are not part of the 'inner circle'. Suicide is not talked about. For me, this is life and so I have recorded here what happened in my uncle's life. For me. For you. 

Once you join the dots, it all makes sense. With understanding, there is peace.