Circles of Control

I attended a mediation-related workshop last week. The topic was 'Developmental Psychology for Mediators'. This is the field that focuses on our physical, cognitive, and socio-emotional development from early childhood, through the teenage years and into early and middle adulthood. We all go through the same steps as our brains physically and psychologically develop. We ideally progress from being impulsive, irrational, and egocentric children with an inability to verbalise and regulate emotions, to a well-rounded adult that is able to solve problems, have empathy, regulate and articulate emotions, and experience independent thought.

In my new career journey as a mediator, my clients open the door – and their hearts – to me, allowing me to listen to and understand their situation so that I can guide them to a way forward; a path that will give them resolution and, I always hope, peace.

What I observe is unnecessary hurting. Ex-partners take opportunities to wound the other, to make a stand to defend their position, and the add fuel that continues the conflict.

Why do adults that have been through a mostly-complete psychological development not exhibit the traits of reasoning, understanding, emotional regulation and maturity that they should have in adulthood when they find themselves in a conflict situation?

The relationship has broken down for various reasons from violence and trauma, to betrayal, incompatibility, growth and stagnation.

In the dissolving of their relationship, people go through grief, uncertainty, fear, anxiety, anger and resentment. This changes how they behave.

Each party will have a belief about the injustice dealt to them, and a desire for ‘justice’ to be served. The ongoing conflict is about continuing to try to balance the scales, however misplaced and futile their attempts.

We are left then with conflict and poor communication, and parties perpetually living in the past. Even if one partner is able to let go, the other will drag them into the downward spiraling vortex again and again.

On the webinar, we were reminded of the Circles of Control. This cognitive tool is adapted to all kinds of areas from dealing with family over the holidays, bullies at school, and the work environment. The principle is that there is an inner circle of aspects in life that are within your control, and an outer circle of factors that are outside of your control.*

In terms of family disputes, your own behaviour and how you respond to others is under your control. You can also, in the parenting situation, control your behaviour to your children, especially as a non-primary caregiver where elements of parental alienation may be in play. You can continue to reach out, be present, be supportive and be available, regardless of the response received. 

What you cannot control is the other person. You cannot control what they say or do. You can only control how you react to them. You cannot control the financial and lifestyle changes as a result of divorce, but you can adapt, make the best of the situation, and move forward.

You cannot prevent feeling emotions like hate, anger, frustration, and contempt, but you can regulate and process these emotions to behave with neutrality towards the other party instead of retaliating.

In speaking to a client, I reminded them of the Circles of Control in their high-conflict situation. They had mentioned a few weeks back about trying to be kinder to the other party. Circles of Control has empowered them to stay this course regardless of what the other party may fling their way.

Circles of Control is going to be my ‘theme tune. I will use it at the start of every mediation interaction with new clients. As obvious as this concept seems, it is clearly forgotten in the heat of dispute. Applied to divorce, Circles of Control is a powerful reminder and tool for every person.

* If want another layer, the Circle of Influence lies between aspects within and outside of your control. These are elements that you indirectly have the power to influence or change.

As always, I think of topics to write about almost daily, but then I struggle to get around to writing here. There always seems to be something more important to do. It is with thanks to my friend Staci and that I joined her 45-minute writing session this morning on Zoom that I got this post down. It has been swirling around in my mind for days. Thank you Staci x

Another Circles of Control diagram - for general life.

Found through Google Images