Embracing the grey

Yesterday, I went to do my car licence renewal here in George. Yes, I'm shedding my FS plates and going CAW. 

 While standing in the queue, a lady came from behind me and asked how old I was. Curious I replied, "Why do you want to know?" and, as the words came out of my mouth, the penny dropped. This sweet lady, who worked there, was asking because she was tasked with directing older folks (like over 60) ahead of the queue! With a laugh, I professed to being 45 but with a lot of grey hair. 

Of course, seeing me from behind and then wearing a mask, she wouldn't have been able to see my not-60 face. 

 Typically, Europeans start to go grey in their 30s by which time most women (and men) should see some grey hairs. By the time they reach 50, they should have at least 50% grey. When you go grey is genetically determined so there is nothing that you can do about it. 

I got the grey genes from my dad's side of the family and started going grey in my early 20s. At 21, I saw a few grey hairs. By 28, I had a fair amount - so much so that I dyed my hair for a few years. As I have a pet-hate for showing roots and my hair grows fast, I surrendered to Mother Nature in my mid-30s and made peace that grey was my new hair colour. Sure, I had liked my golden-brown, original natural colour, but not being tied to a dye bottle was worth the trade-off. I was liberated and freed. This is something that I hear often from other women who stop colouring their hair.

There is a lot more grey out there than is generally realised because hair dying has been the primary course of action, especially for women. It was only much older women - those over 70 perhaps - who were ever seen with grey-white hair. This probably explains why grey hair has had the connotation of being an affliction of the elderly. In reality, women in their 40s without grey hair would be unusual, not the norm, in a dye-free world. As my friend Tracey so rightly says, "And I'm surprised that 18 months into the pandemic anyone still thinks that silver/grey/platinum is purely age-related".

Fortunately, grey hair in women is a lot more trendy and, dare I say 'acceptable' - now than it was even a few years ago. Young models grace the catwalk sporting dyed grey locks, celebs are going grey and, more importantly, our friends and women around us are going grey. Having more grey-haired women around is confidence-building for those trying to transition. Critical mass is required. 

Best of all, many women actually look better with their grey hair than too-dark dyed hair. The lighter shades of grey brighten the face. Also, a whole new palette of clothing colours opens up to you, especially cool tones (green-blue-grey) as well as vibrant hues like reds and berry colours. Sapphire, pinks, denium, black and metallics also work.

I am not adverse to hair colouring. There are a number of hair-colouring Instagram pages that have me transfixed. Skills, design, colours and incredible work. Not that I do it myself, but hair colouing can be fun and playful and all the colours of the rainbow, not just something to hide the grey. 

COVID lockdown went a long way to liberating women from the dye cycle - and they are grateful for it. Being able to work from home, while undergoing the transition to grey, without the pressure of conforming to appearance expectations in the workplace, has been the blessing.

Like the browns, blondes, and reds, the greys, platinums, whites and silvers are hair colours and they're making a bold appearance.

Grey revolution

Last year the 32-year old Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, was seen sporting grey roots at an event shortly following the birth of little George. And what a hoo-ha this created.

More than 10 years ago I remember the bashing that Hilary Clinton got when she left her hair au natural (I remember reading an article in TIME! magazine... geezz). There's more discussion about her hair (up, down, colour, length) than there is about what she does.

Men go grey. Hair disappears from the top of their heads (and can end up running down their backs instead). But that's ok. That's 'distinguished'.

Women... women have been discriminated in the workplace and even fired for going grey and refusing to continue to colour their hair...

Consider that 95% of women colour their hair... going grey isn't very popular (but it is gaining momentum!).

I found my first grey hairs at 21. By 28 I had quite a lot, so much so that after a few not-very-complimentary comments I leapt into a dye bottle, keeping my hair colour as close to my golden brown natural colour as possible. I've never really approved of the process, but I did it anyway.

My hair grows fast and I have a pet hate - visible roots. On myself and on other people. I had to dye / touch-up every four weeks. By the time I turned 34 I had a lot of grey. And I'd had enough of the hamster-wheel.

It really was a "Fk-it! I am who I am" moment when I decided to stop dying. And I haven't looked back.

I went to my hairdresser, told him my plan to stop colouring. We chopped my long hair short to cut out as much of the colour as possible. And so began a process that took about eight months. Every few weeks we would chop out the colour until it was all gone and my hair was completely un-coloured.

My mom got onboard too. She had been colouring for years and figured that she couldn't have a daughter with grey hair while she kept up the illusion of colour. She also cut her hair short and together we went grey.

Sure, my face looks different surrounded by a predominantly grey colour compared to the warm golden brown of my pre-grey days. It's something you get used to - much as we get used to looking different as we lose hair and gain weight.

Releasing myself from the dye bottle was intensely liberating. It was like the life-altering moment in my first adventure race when I stood on top of the Drakensberg with a map in my hand and realised that I had the ability to cross mountains and get myself from A to B by any route that I chose. I could also choose to just be me and to be comfortable with this.

This past weekend I had a good conversation with two guy friends, both in their early 40s. We haven't seen each other for years. They were asking me about my decision to leave my hair grey. Both were very curious - and supportive.

Strangers too - mostly older men (like my dad's age or older) - occasionally stop me in malls to commend me on leaving me hair as it is, especially as my face is younger than expected. It's a contrast to have 'old' hair and a young face.

Just because your hair goes grey it doesn't mean that you're old. You've just got grey hair; like auburn, red, blonde or brown. Grey is a colour too.

Here's my theory... Most men are probably A-ok with their wives, partners, mothers, sisters and colleagues going grey. It is us, women, that is the bigger problem. We bound the feet of little girls to trade them off to men, we strapped ourselves into corsets to achieve teeny-tiny waists and we still squeeze our feet into high heels... and we (women, media) put pressure on women to dye their hair - maintaining an illusion of 'youth'. It's only when more women stop dying that grey will become more accepted.

• By the time most women reach 40 they have a good degree of grey; not all, but most
• Unless you're regularly going to a professional (and even if you are), it's very clear that your hair is dyed
• That darker shade you keep choosing is hard on your face and makes you look older; too blonde has the same effect
• After three or four weeks we can all see your roots and just how much grey you have
• Lots of wrinkles and dark hair... they don't go.

Maintenance is intense - and expensive. A very attractive friend (same age as me) spends a bundle each month on maintaining her coloured tresses. And the more grey you have, the harder the maintenance challenge.

Today I took another step in my Grey Revolution. I added more.

Grey doesn't grow through nice and evenly. You get more on your temples or more on your crown. And hair doesn't go grey overnight. It takes years.

My mom, who has more grey than me, tried a tinting procedure a few months ago. She was my guinea-pig. Our hairdresser pulls strands of hair through the holes of that swimming cap thing. The hair is bleached and tinted grey. Because it is so finely distributed it doesn't show 'roots' and can be left without maintenance. You don't have to touch up or repeat, unless you want to enhance the grey further, which my mom did a few weeks ago with great success. The addition is subtle and if I hadn't told you about this, you wouldn't notice a dramatic difference. You still won't. It's just that the grey is a little bit more evenly spread.

At the salon there were a number of older women there, all dying their grey away. When we were done, they looked at me approvingly and with wistful eyes. They've probably been dying for 30 or 40 years!

The challenge is to transition. From coloured hair to natural hair.

Here are some ideas:

1. Take advantage of the CANSA Shave-a-thon to shave off all your hair for a good cause. If your hair is long enough, donate it to CANSA's wig makers.
2. Cut your hair as short as you dare to get rid of the colour and keep trimming regularly until all the colour is out. Headbands are wonderful accessories.
3. Speak to your hairdresser about using highlights or low lights to break up the solid colour, steadily letting your own grey blend in. My hairdresser is pro-grey - I'd be happy to pass on his details.
4. Use demi-permanent dyes, which don't fully cover grey. As it fades your natural colour will come through.
5. Plan a six-month long adventure. Cut your hair short and spend six-months travelling.

Going grey revolutionises your life and liberates you from self-inflicted restraints. It works for me.

Here are some worthy reads:

• Going grey gracefully 
• Going Grey blog - great transitioning tips plus photos and inspiring stories
• Silver belles: Some women aren't dyeing to get rid of their gray hair

Senior moment

On Saturday night, my mom and I went to watch the most recent of the Twilight moves, Breaking Dawn (part 1). Our teenage cousin got us both into Twilight; we've read the books and have seen the previous movies. This one was sweet (they really could have put the whole book into one movie) but this isn't a movie review.

With youth flooding the ticketing desk, we get directed to the popcorn counter - the lady can issue tickets from the one terminal. We tell her the movie we want to see. We select our seats. She says, "That's one adult and one senior". So I ask, "What's senior - 60?". "Yes," she says. My mom is not yet 60 - she's got eight months to go. But I just couldn't bring myself to correct the young lass; she would have been so embarrassed. Instead I give my mom a big hug.

We watch the movie. Lots of smooching between Edward and Bella. Jacob is growing up and looking more dishy; I can see what my cousin sees in him (Team Jacob). Mom and I are Team Edward (although I'm way more into the most delightfully wicked vampire sheriff, Eric - Alexander Skardgard - from True Blood). I don't get what Edward sees in Bella - she reminds me of Frodo from Lord of the Rings. Snivelling. Anyhoo...

We walk out of the theatre and mom nudges me.

"It's because of you".

"Me what?" I ask.

"She thought I was a senior because of you. It doesn't happen when Judy and I go to movies." Judy and mom are similar age.

Indeed, having a daughter with a good dose of grey hair, despite my youthful complexion, would scoot mom right into the 60s classification. We both think it is helluva funny. As we walk she keeps poking me and saying again, "It's you".

Two years ago I took the plunge to never colour my hair again. Turning grey at a young age runs in my dad's family. He was completely silver in his mid 30s. My aunt says she was the same.

I found my first grey hairs at 21; more in my mid 20s and by 28 I was covering the grey with dyes close to my natural colour. Fed up with being a slave to colour (it's a pollutant, dries out your scalp and hair, my hair grows really fast and I think regrowth looks trashy), I decided to let the grey grow out. I chopped my hair short and it took a year to eliminate the colour residue. At the same time, mom took the plunge too. She reasoned that if her daughter is grey, she couldn't very well still be a brunette.

It was the best decision that we both could have made.

Grey is traditionally associated with aging. If someone has grey hair they couldn't possibly be young, could they? Of course they can. This is a nice article on MailOnline about "Why are today's women going grey at 25?".

I remember a spread in Time Magazine about Hillary Clinton, when she was running in the elections. The article was Hillary and some other women and it discussed whether it was 'right' for them to let their hair go grey or does grey hair make them old and past their sell-by date and thus not credible to be in positions of responsibility - or so public perception goes. Grrr... But look at George Clooney or Richard Gere... grey is sexy then.

Ja, just as the article I linked to above says,

"While men get given the silver fox sobriquet when they start to show signs of salt and pepper, when it comes to women grey equals grandma. From society’s perspective, a woman with grey hair is over the hill and has reached the end of her reproductive life."

In my book, grey is just a hair colour. It's my natural hair colour. Grey doesn't change my brain cells nor add another 20 years to the amount of time I've spent on the planet. But, it does get my mom into movies at R8.00 less for her ticket.

[Veteran 90s supermodel Kristen McMenamy has gone the grey route too - and it has given her modelling career a boost. She made the cover of VogueShe is now 46 - article on MailOnline and MSNBC Today (with photos of other silver foxes - male and female). I like.]