A lot of what I think about these days has to do with mediation, couples, families, hurt, hatred, resentment, anger and how hard it is to let go of wrongs of the past.
I’m watching ‘The Cleaner’ on Netflix (very good series). A comment from a character in the episode that I watched a few nights ago (S2E10) caught my attention.
“You are so stuck on revenge right now that you can’t see the big picture”.
This quote stood out for me because it is brutally honest.
revenge /rɪˈvɛn(d)ʒ/ Revenge is the act of inflicting harm, injury, or punishment in return for a perceived or actual wrong, injury, or insult.
In divorce and post-divorce conflict, there is often so much hurt, humiliation, anger, rejection, loss of identity, and even fear about the future that exists. Revenge – through financial or emotional means – can feel like a way to restore balance or dignity, but it rarely delivers what it promises.
Underneath revenge there is often a need to be seen and validated. Unless this is addressed, conflict and ‘games’ will continue.
The problem with acting in revenge is that it is a vicious circle that keeps you hooked into the conflict and focused on the past. Instead of closure, you stay stuck thinking about it and acting in vengeful ways. Also, holding onto revenge ties you to the very person that you want to be free of. Even an award of a million dollars would make no difference until the emotional account is settled.
In mediation this is a problem because no settlement offer will be sufficient because the goal is not resolution – it is emotional equilibrium. It is only when a person feels genuinely heard (even if nothing else changes), that a shift will take place and resolution will be possible, there is distance (time and space) from the original injury to soften its effect, and when the person regains a sense of control over their own life.
How does one let go of a desire for revenge or move on from this feeling and need? Well, it is not about forgiving the other party. Instead, it demands an honest look at what holding onto revenge costs. When you decide that it is costing you too much, that’s when change – and resolution – can happen. Costs can be mental, physical and emotional exhaustion, the development of a new relationship, a financial reality check, or simply a lack of time.
As satisfying as 'getting even' may appear to be, how will this really change your life day-to-day, or how will your life in five years be significantly different to what it will be on your current path?
(In a divorce, there is due settlement. Revenge is over and above a fair separation of assets and maintenance awards.)
Only you can make yourself happy – whether through time, therapy, mediation, or life moving on.
Discovering this sooner rather than later in a conflict situation will cause less collateral damage along the way and will give you what you most need – freedom.
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